How to hack IKEA

After spending 3 hours in an IKEA store over a two-day period on a sojourn for a $79 footstool, I realized that IKEA is not a store.   It is a computer that will sell you furniture.  The people who work there, and the building itself, merely serve the computer.  However, like all computers, IKEA can be hacked.

If the computer says “Neh,” then the IKEA employee has been taught to believe that he is powerless to overcome it, even when it leads to an absurd result.  This happened to me yesterday, when I was allowed to get an order printout with a barcode and to pay for the footstool, being told it was “in stock,” only to wait 20 minutes to pick it up and be told that I could not have the footstool, because it was up too high to get without a forklift, and they were not allowed to operate the forklift when the store was open.  How would I then get the footstool, ever?  This question was met with shrugs and “we don’t know”s, and offers of a refund.

In other words, I paid for a footstool, the footstool was on the shelf, but I was not allowed to get it.  The employees were very nice and apologetic, but had no solution for the problem other than to give me a refund.  They could not even tell me whether, if I visited the store tomorrow, I would be able to acquire the footstool or not.  And no, they could not possibly make an exception to their “we don’t hold merchandise” rule in order to operate the forklift after hours, get my footstool, and hold it for me until the next day.

Today, I finally walked out of the store with the footstool, but only after having sought the assistance of SIX people (on top of the FOUR yesterday, for a total of 10 employees involved), and waiting in lines for a total of almost 2 hours.  This gave me time to think about what works, and what doesn’t work, and how to hack the computer that is IKEA.  Here are your instructions:

1.  In seeking out an IKEA employee, find the oldest one you can.  Those with a few wrinkles remember back in the day when computers did not run the world, and have the life experience to realize that a computer giving an absurd answer needs to be worked around.

2.  In dealing with all IKEA employees, who are without question well-behaved and polite to a fault, it is best to take a “Nebraska nice” but firm attitude. 

3.  Even a wrinkled IKEA employee may need some encouragement to go up the chain of command to find a person who has the right credentials to say “no” to the computer and run a work-around.  Again, a nice, but firm, attitude on your part will win the day.

4.  Before you go to IKEA, decide for yourself just how long you are willing to wait to get that cheap stuff.  Compare that time with your hourly rate, and make a decision as to whether the cheap stuff is really worth it. 

5.  Sign up for the IKEA frequent buyer card while you are standing in line.  At least you will get a free coffee out of the deal.  Whether you give them an accurate email address is up to you.